Breaking point.

Sometimes I feel like I just need to vent all my frustrations. And the interweb has allowed this generation x-er to do just that.

I'm at the breaking point. I'm taking 3 classes right now. In the hopes of transferring to the University of Pittsburgh by next Spring. And yesterday, I cried in the middle of taking a math test. Because as much as I thought I knew what I was doing, when I sat down and stared at the problems for 10 minutes, I had no clue. So the tears started welling. And I lost it for a moment.

This never happens to me. For the longest time I've kept control of my surroundings. School, work, my family. I can handle it all. Perhaps not always gracefully. But it never makes me panic. I never feel overwhelmed.

Until now. Geology and math are killing me. I've been sick. And with the recent snowy weather, trying to catch up with all my assignments? Just isn't happening. I spent 8 hours at school Monday. Doing so so much work. And to cry the next day because I forgot how to do some equations? Not my style in the slightest.

So there's that.

This sickness? It's driving me fucking crazy. I've been pretty unhealthy the last few months. Drugs and alcohol don't help, I know this. And I've been doing better with those vices as of late. But it's the second time in 3 months that I've taken ill. And it's really bugging me. My face is hideous from the constant blowing of my nose. Not to mention my eyes are still pink.

There's that.

I've finally realized that the reason I've been so downtrodden the last few days is because I'm stressing myself out. If I need to, I will take one class at a time. I'm not a good student. And I want to move to Pittsburgh more than anything I've ever wanted in my life. And the only way I can live there and prosper and become an adult and find a career is if I go to school there. And I'm not seeing it in my immediate future. And this makes me even more upset.

AND. This new boyfriend? He is lovely. Lovely lovely lovely. And very unexpected. And I'm worried. Worried because I most definitely want him in my life. But he's a distraction. I find myself making my way back into the mold I used to fit in with the ex. I blow things off to spend time with him. And it's pissing me off. I should know better. I should think with my head and not my heart. And it's still so new. And exciting. But now I'm in no mood to be around anyone. And it dawned on me today that I don't even act like myself around him. The last 6 months have shaped me so much. I've made so many new friends and experienced so many new things and listened to so much new music and watched so many new movies. All inspirational and it fills my heart to the brim.

But I'm so consumed with this apprehension that I can't relax and focus. And if I give myself a break, it's never a smart move. Because I'll be motivated and stressed. And then I'll go out for the night. And feel like shit the next day.

All I wanted when I was in the old relationship was to be out of it. To be young and might I even say, careless. At least for a period of time. And I had fun. And I'm still having fun. But I can't find the line to draw. I can't tell myself to stop hanging out or stop making plans. I can't. I don't know how. All I wanted was to do this and now that I'm doing this, it's making me anxious and concerned all the time. I don't know where my priorities are.

And for a little bit, I thought pot was helping. I thought that if I needed to calm down, all I needed to do was spark up a joint and hang out with my dudes and be fancy-free. And I love that feeling. But its getting in the way of so much more than it should.


Whew. Stream of conscienceness, kind of. But man it feels good just to type that all out.



Damn. I just want to be Molly again. I haven't felt like her in a long long time.